


a kind of madness

by Eddaic



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Allen's a little mad, Angst, M/M, Profanity, Rated strong T for sexual content, Slash, UA, Universe Alteration, Yullen, it's okay we all are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-21
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-22 10:51:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6076575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eddaic/pseuds/Eddaic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Allen has never hated anyone more than Kanda.</p>
            </blockquote>





	a kind of madness

A/n: In this fic, Allen finds out Kanda's full name before their first mission. Don't ask me how ~~, for I am lazy~~.

Disclaimer: Don't own.

***

"I wasn't insane until someone touched my heart." - Edgar Allan Poe

**a kind of madness  
**

No one knows, but Allen gives people only one chance to make him love them. Usually, this is not a problem, because he often loves people despite their flaws and uncertainties and cruelties. He is indiscriminate in his attachment to humanity; the exception, perhaps, is General Cross, but Allen cares for him, too, in his own way.

Then he meets a tall exorcist with dark eyes and dark hair and a dark look, and the universe tips sideways because Allen suddenly doesn't know what to do with himself. He blames this strange man for pulling out the surly bastard in him. Within five minutes of meeting each other, it takes only two words to bring a bitter taste to Allen's tongue and spin him into a borderline murderous rage.

Kanda Yuu. Somehow both generic and irritatingly memorable. The syllables roll off Allen's tongue. Kan. Da. Yuu. Like a new, freshly oiled seesaw in a playground, swinging up and down, up and down. Why does such a prick have to have a name that Allen enjoys saying?

He _hates_ Kanda. Even when Kanda blocks a blow for him in Martel and reopens a potentially mortal wound, Allen hates him. He can't stand the fact that when Kanda's around, he sinks into yelling and cursing and punching. Like a fucking animal. Allen _despises_ this powerlessness. He is too used to being in control, too used to plastering on a smile and making everyone believe he's perfectly fine when he's not _,_ God, he is so far from _fine_. It gives him an odd, sick sense of satisfaction: _you don't know me, you never will. My feelings are mine, and mine alone._

He is selfish that way, miserly with his heart despite his desire to protect people.

But Kanda knows Allen the moment he claps his eyes on him. And Allen is terrified that someone he just met has so much power over him.

And the worst part is that Kanda is totally unaware of this. Kanda, Allen knows, does not even think about how discerning he is.

So when Kanda tells him that they will be parting ways, Allen is releases a breath and silently thanks the heavens. He watches the sway of Kanda's ponytail as he strides away, the flap of his long coat. The nape of his neck, smooth and slender and vulnerable. It would be so easy to attack him from this angle. A thrill runs up Allen's spine. Of course, he has never deliberately killed a person, and never will. But it is more of a personal policy than an innate sense of goodwill.

Beneath his sleeve, Allen flips Kanda the bird.

He has never been so angry in his life.

***

Lenalee is not the type of girl Allen would ever settle with, but he is happy that she is attractive enough to distract him from his anxiety about Kanda. Fine. Allen can be shallow if he wants, even if he kind of feels bad for reducing Lenalee to her looks. Or trying to.

He glances at her long, muscled legs, at the skirt that barely covers her ass (of course he does not stare - he is a gentleman, after all), and struggles to feel something. Excited. Aroused. Anything. He looks up at her again as she somersaults, illuminated by the moonlight, and waits for his hormones to kick in.

It doesn't work. To him, Lenalee is pretty, but only in the way that flowers and brooks are.

Back at the Order, he studies her face and tries to see her in a different light. Large eyes. Soft face. Long lashes. Giggly and cutesy, right out of a teenage boy's dream. _She's cute_ , he insists to himself, twisting the ends of his shirt with nerveless fingers. _She's really cute_.

On their next mission in Germany, he convinces himself that he likes her in the way that teenage boys are supposed to like girls. There is no reason not to. He acts overly worried about her, and overly concerned about what she thinks of him. He _should_ be. It's normal, it's –

_You're a liar and a cheat and you always will be.  
_

He thinks Lenalee likes him, and feels oddly proud to (kind of) be a part of normal society.

***

Lavi bludgeons his way into Allen's life, and Allen does not like how nosey Lavi is. But it's okay. Allen is good at hiding things. He can fool a hyperactive bookworm, no problem.

Then Lavi calls Allen 'beansprout', and Allen's bones go numb because Kanda's scowling face reappears in his mind and he does not want to think about Kanda. Not now, not ever.

He knows he will see Kanda again and will be assigned a mission with him, but he hopes it will be after a long, long time.

***

It takes months, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's like a flashback to the time they first met: Kanda flying in to assault him from practically nowhere and Allen wondering why the hell he's being attacked in the first place.

And then Allen forgets why he's here, forgets that Lenalee is unconscious and that he should be worrying about her, carrying her in his arms, doing all that ostentatious hero shit. All Kanda has to do is glare at him and all the resentment comes rushing back. They jostle, they argue, and Allen almost breaks his Innocence again just by resisting Mugen because he's forgotten how fucking _strong_ Kanda is. He meets those gleaming eyes, sharp as broken glass, and feels himself tumbling down and down and down, and his legs are numb and his hands are shaking and there is a thin, high whistle in his ears.

It is _exhilarating_ , this fury, this brazen vindictiveness.

He still feels stripped naked under Kanda's gaze, but decides he does not entirely mind having him around.

It is fun not being a perfect gentleman.

***

"I hate you," he mumbles, even as he presses his lips hard against Kanda's and sinks his fingers into soft hair. "I hate you, _hate you_ , you bastard." Their breaths mingle together, warm and moist. Kanda smells of steel and wind and lotus flowers, and Allen buries his face in the crook of his neck and breathes deeply, drinking in his scent. He nips at Kanda's throat, not bothering to be gentle.

"You're so selfish," he whispers against the hot skin. Beneath him, Kanda takes a sharp breath, as if he wants to retort, but does not say anything. "Why did you come back? Did you think I would appreciate it?" He shifts lower and kisses Kanda's collarbone. "I give up so much for your freedom, and you repay me by throwing it away?"

"That's not..."

"Shut up." Allen takes a shuddering breath and bares his teeth, though he is not smiling. "Why aren't you angry?"

Kanda furrows his brow, and he looks so young and confused and unguarded that Allen does not know if he wants to kiss him again or punch him. "What?"

"You're always pissed off. You have a temper. You yell at people. It's how you are." Allen grips Kanda's shoulders, hard enough to bruise. "So why not now?" he hisses. Why is Kanda not angry? Why can he not bring out Allen's real side the way he used to? Allen misses it, _misses_ that passion, that rivalry.

Kanda looks at him like he's mad, or just plain stupid. "Because you helped me reach closure." His frown deepens. "Do you _want_ me to be angry?"

Allen is silent.

" _Why?_ "

"Shut up." Allen rolls his hips against Kanda's, and Kanda gasps and throws his head back, eyes sliding shut and brows knitting together. "Just...shut... _up_." His voice turns into a guttural moan, and he squeezes his eyes shut and starts to scrabble at Kanda's jacket, tearing at the buttons and bending to lick the warm skin beneath. Kanda tastes like storms and skies and pounding waves and Allen is in fucking love, so goddamn in love, but he won't say that, no, not to this bastard, not when Johnny is in the next room and there's a war raging outside.

He drops to his knees and takes Kanda in his mouth because he just doesn't care any more. Then they kiss and grasp at each other and when it's over Kanda plants tender kisses on Allen's face, and Allen can't stand it so he flips them over, straddling Kanda's hips. He thinks about raising his fist, just to glimpse that old hatred in Kanda's eyes, and finds that he can't, just _can't_ , and he drops his hand and bends to kiss Kanda fiercely, the sound of the world a rush in his ears.

_-finis-_


End file.
